my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
