dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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