It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
