Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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