I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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