Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
