just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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