she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
