It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
