fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
