Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
