if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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