Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
