I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
