You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
