am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
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