I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
