We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
