remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
