Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
