Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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