I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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