Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize