Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
