i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
