I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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