i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
a search helicopter?!
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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