someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
