My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
