I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
