Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
