She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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