she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
