Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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