somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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