just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
