And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
