I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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