she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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