I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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