from now on my penis is your penis
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
BRING THE BAGELS
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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