Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
