I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize