Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
