I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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