whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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