I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
