she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
