I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
