my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
