Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
