3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
