He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize