Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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