I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
