So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
