This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
