I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
