so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
