Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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